I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
