idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
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Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
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Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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