My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
