Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
