He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize