Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
