When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm at about main and main street
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
