I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
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Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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