You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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