My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
