she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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