i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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