My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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