Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
