How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
