I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
