Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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