Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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