I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
