I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
