I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
