She is in my trunk
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
