Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
