Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think your dad took our porno
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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