Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We need to get me chipped asap
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
