well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You are the jesus of drinking
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
