A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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