420 ftw
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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