my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
