and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
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It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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