just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I want a musical about memes.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
