I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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