I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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