Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
