She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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