He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
