I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
