Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
