he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
