seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
