booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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