That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
