i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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