I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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