I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
