capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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