Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The uberlube is also flammable
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
