I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
