Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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