so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
