I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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