yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
