pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
